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How do you know?

"I do" NOT!

Here are a few questions that I have no answer to. So I thought I'd present them to you & probably that would help end my endless confusion!

Tell me, how would you ever know that the person you'll marry (no matter how much you're in love) will be good to you forever?
I mean, really, don't they all put a good face on at first? or is it a real good face that's used? I don't know but after years and years of reading the weekly newspaper letters of the Journalist Abdulwahab Motawe' that were all about betrayed wives & husbands, about love that vanished over the years, about misunderstandings & fights... it really got to me! Just can't wash those stories away. There's a fear inside me that just lingers & I can't control it. It isn't a fear of commitment coz I'm looking forward to that. It's rather the fear of what's after the commitment.

I heard of & agree to "love conquers all" but what if one of the 2 changes dramatically after a few or more years, will love be there for him from his partner even then?

I wish there was some love contract that we'd sign that wouldn't let us stop loving the person we promised to love till we die. Technology can't help us here , can it?

My neighbor told me a few memorable advices that I'd like to spread. She's in her 4th year of marriage to a colleague. It was a love story, don't know if it still is. wish her all the best. Here's what she said to me the other day:

  • Sometimes you and your family give too much to help him make the marriage work, such as giving up lots of the girls rights then after a couple of years you'd realize that it wasn't worth it. There wouldn't have been any harm if he would have waited a little.
  • Keep your eyes open during the engagement, everything shows even if just little signs of what's really there but it shows. No surprises after marriage. After realizing those flaws in your fiance; it's then your choice- either you agree to continue knowing that you will learn to accept this certain flaw or you can end the whole thing. It all depends on your willingness to compromise.
  • The man of your dreams doesn't exist! Perhaps only in your dreams so don't give me that face. While fantasizing about Mr.Perfect, you'll let a few real good men slip away.
  • Listen to what your family says to you. They are the ones who love you most & wants what's best for you.
  • True love will come when you deal with him & witness the man he is, not bu taking a distance telling yourself you'll fall in love "first" then give him a chance. How will you create new feelings on your own? Let him make it easier for you to love him by giving him a chance. That only works if you already admire him initially.
  • Observe how he treats his sister or mother. It may be quite similar to how he'll treat you too.
Standing where I am now pushes me to ask the married, engaged, or single friends: What do you think of my neighbor's advice list? and if you have anything else you'd wish to add, don't hesitate, I'm sure it'll be helpful to me & lots of others in my place.

Thank you & have a nice day :)

I'd say the advice is pretty good, although your family may not always be worth listening to. In some cases they are best left ignored. One more piece of advice I would add is that you should be yourself. If he cannot accept you as you are then walk away.

Years ago I dated a man who kept trying to change me. He criticized many things about me and was always trying to shape me into who he thought I should be. I repeatedly told him that he had to accept me as I was now, not who I could be someday. He didn't listen so I left him. Now I am with a good man who completely lets me be myself and accepts me, warts and all.

Hurray for walking away, Jane! That's a great piece of advice you gave here.
The stress of getting critisized continously and feeling that you're not good enough (when really you are good enough just not enough in his eyes) may be quite unbearable in a long-term relationship, as I'd imagine.

I'm glad you walked away. I'll definitely keep that in mind.

Love is over-rated
Think about it, you can't convey the intangible, the abstract.
When I say I love you, it's my memories, my concepts, my experience of love, or the lack of it. You will hear it in your own terms, your own concepts, your own "little things" pulling the strings from the backgroun shaping who you are.

I don't know how to solve that, maybe if people would love the smallish down to earth facts instead of loving a mental image.

Mental images evaporate with the first puff of logic on a hardship route

But of course I could be an idiot.

hi...i just married "just katabt ketaby " not complete marriage yet few days ago...so i can help you in thing ...

your friend's advice is very true ..

i tryed to love ...and failed after 5 years passoinate story ..

i tryed to propose to a work mate with me and failed too....it was not me...but i felt we are so close ...and we have many mutual feeling and thoughts...so i told her i want marriage ...she changed 180 degree..she start to talk about things she never talked about before ....she starts to contradics her self in some pre-disccussed issues...acualy i was shocked....it was like i never saw her before .... so i learned something ... for girls... friendship is something....and marriage is a whole diffrent thing...although what was realy encouraging me to marry her that we are so close friends !!!!

anyway...believe it or not i tryed the old fashion way...through my family relation and things like that .... so i saw many girls .. in the club...in cofeeshops ....at my relatives houses ... many ... almost 15 ... but no one was realy attracting me ...until i saw one ....she is not the prttiest....not the youngest...but something happened to me ... i dont know what i should call it ...maybe its a spark..yes...a spark...i thought thst this is the girl i like to be with ....after we finished our meeting...she told my relatives that she likes too...

i know that iam boring with this long comment !!!

look i have to get back to work to finish something i will continue later ...

I wouldn't think of you as an idiot at all. I guess lots of people do fall in love with a fantasy or a mental image rather than the down-to-earth simple truth huh?

Your words could be disastrous to unrealistic dreamers as well as encouraging to every person in a "real" simple relationship

Well said!

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

Salateeno... WOOOW!!

I don't know how to thank you for writing down your love experience over here. Very beneficial mashAllah.

So it's the SPARK that we look for?

I'll keep that in mind inshAllah.

and of course, how could I forget... ALF ALF MABROOK!!! may you both live in happiness and understanding always isA :)

hi again....

thanks for your nice words ...i just thought to share my experience with you ... maybe you could find something helpful .. maybe ...

anyway ... after engagement everything wen smoothly .. we are getting close to eachother ... both of us has some virtues and depicts ... we tryed to reach a meeting point... we agreed that we will fight .. we will be angree from eachother many times .... coz we are from diffrent worlds ... arent we crazy a little bit ???
"we agreed that we will fight"

anyway ..understanding is the keyword in any relationship...even if we love eachother...there has to be some understanding and consideration ... its in our hand to make it go ... many lovers failed to maintain the same old feelings after marriage .. and believe me ... many cases like that end by divorce ...

this happened to a friend of mine.. he told me "she is not the person i love anymore , she is a diffrent one , when i think of the old days , i think she is my lover, but now ...she is ONLY my wife " ...can u see !

i dont say men are angels , but both men and women are responsible for working out their relation. whether it was built on Love , or built on Mutual understanding which eventually turns to be love !

by the way, your blog is also a beautiful one, i didnt see that design before too :)

I have been asking myself these questions since so long and I am still looking for the answers.
one of the most scary advice i heard is ur third one "The man of ur dreams doesn't exist" I wish it's wrong ... really do.

thats weird. my recent post on my blog is about the very same issue.

the thing is, there r no guarantees... u just take the "calculated" risk and see if u r gonna be lucky or not.


"we agreed that we will fight .. we will be angree from eachother many times .... coz we are from diffrent worlds ... arent we crazy a little bit ???
"we agreed that we will fight" "

I can imagine that this agreement could save so many problems! For example, I always expected myself to get shocked if I fought... so a pre-agreement would help run things smooth!
and yes it's funnily crazy a little bit haha

"both men and women are responsible for working out their relation. whether it was built on Love , or built on Mutual understanding which eventually turns to be love !"

and I'm glad you stated that mutual understanding can change to LOVE, that was one of my biggest fears: what if eventually Love doesn't come? So as you say, they both work on it.

I am an unrealistic thinker, and that's is the core of my problem regarding relationships. So THANK YOU for helping get a more realistic view.


Yes honey, I felt the same when she said that, that's why I gave her this shocked face! I was like: excuse me, my Mr.Perfect IS out there whether you like it or not. but she snapped the thought out of my head and as Salateeno said, you work on it together. Allah yorzo2ek belly yfara7 2albek w yhaneeky ya rab.

Still Breathing,

I read your post and will tell you there my opinion.

No guarantees, definitely. rabena yostor, and Congratulations for your sister.


check this link , u will find many blog templates, if u found something u will do the foloowing :

click on samples to preview the template u want .

so, if you like any one click on the the first link "to parent directory" ...then click on "code"

then choose the name of the template u chose and download the .zip file OK

and i think u know the rest.

sorry ...here is the URL :


Hi jannah , I second so much jane's advice and your comment that you should have a person who likes you the way you are and loves you for being you and not always criticzed .. it will make you feel undervelued while you could be good enough and appreciated by other person.

In relations, we may change and compromise but there should be limits ... you cant totally change 180 degrees to be some one in your man's head.

I actually experienced that before with my ex, and honestly it shakes your self confidence the continuous criticizm while you desrve to have more confidence in yourself than that.


"i think she is my lover, but now ...she is ONLY my wife " ...can u see !"

Actually this is the thing i was thinking about why would couples turn out to be just my wife and that is it ...why would love go away or let us say where am I as a friend to my husband and someone whom I want to share with my time and talk to.

Roora :

i have some theory about "why love vanish after marriage" ..i dont know whther its true or not ???

look if we had been in love soo deeply before marriage , so we have reached the Peak of the relationship, and the logic says when something reaches it's Peak, it starst to fall down !!

but normal or traditional marriage starts with just some good feelings and a lot of consederation and understanding , so the feeling starts to grow more and more ....

thats it ..!!!

that is a very nice theory since i just get engaged in the traditional form :)

Hey Roora,
Thanks for enlightening us with your experience, since you're already engaged it was very helpful.

and as I read somewhere:
"Those who mind, don't matter and those who matter, don't mind"

You are good at this, aren't you? MashAllah JK :)

I'm totally convinced with your theory too. Hope your love would go further and further inshAllah.

Hey Jannah,I was just checking ur blog,and really liked it

Just read ur comment @ soosa's blog..thought I may help..the song is for Julia Butros..It's from her latest album..I uploaded the lyrics for ya..check them here


It's from the cover of her album..maybe u should try listening to her..I think her style suits ur romantic nature..

About the topic..I really can't give ya any advice since I'm neither married nor engaged..and never fallen in love..so all I have is some theoritical theories..Wish ya all the best


إنى راحلة,

how nice of you to give me a hand :)

Loved the lyrics, sad but beautiful! Thank you dear! Is my romantic nature so obvious? hehe

and since we're both not experienced then I guess the advices above can really help us isA.


Thank you for the Dr.Phil link, I watch him every day so I'm sure he's got a few wise words for the " I do" or not to "I do" folks like us!

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  • I'm Jannah
  • From Cairo, Egypt
  • If I am as honest as I know how to be, I may discover here as I write, day after day, something in myself, something of my own nature... that I might otherwise not be aware of...
That's it

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