Wednesday, November 01, 2006

Inner Clutter

Have been away for a while now. Lots of things have been happening here during the past few weeks. "Here" as in both at home and in Cairo.

Quite mixed up , which will I start expressing my thoughts about? Do not want to write sad thoughts coz reading my own words affects me more than anything else. Yet how can I help it? Do I imagine a different turn of events? Or do I pretend that I didn't see or live through some of those incidents? Reading the first word on my blog (yes, up there) " Honest, scrambled thoughts" pushes me to be honest with myself before any one else. Writing stuff about my life here is a step towards me-facing-and-dealing-with reality, isn't it? So here I am ready and willing to spill it all- the good and the bad news.

Our last visit to the Macrobiotic Doctor was quite a surprise. My little 11-yr-old sister, after getting better during the past 2 months, has showed signs of new problems in her body. She was getting treated for a disorder called Insulin Resistant Disorder, which is a disorder that most probably leads to Diabetes. The disorder is Auto-immune (body attacks its own cells), and of unknown cause.
After another visit, we discovered that she has Hyperthyroidism (in arabic known as "Ghodda darakeyya") & early signs of Vitiligo (in arabic known as "Boha2") both, also Auto-immune.
The Dr. has given her a very detailed and strict program this month and has told us that by Allah's will, they are curable but she needs time. Time, meaning a few years. She didn't mention the Auto-immune part but due to my studies, I happen to know that fact. I can't help it, that every time I look at my sister I think of her body attacking itself. Her antibodies (cells for defence) are labelling her own cells as enemies!!
However, with every crisis, comes hope. The family is very hopeful Thank God. Sad and patient could also be 2 words describing the weather at home. I now hug my little sister alot, smile at her alot, and let her do anything she wants. It could have been worse. Yes, it could have. But Allah's mercy is overflowing. I cannot remember a time that I prayed for something and it didn't happen, and that's what's making my little sister's issue bearable, that our prayers will get answered, like every single time.

The official proposal of M happened. YAAAAAY! no wait, what am I yaying for? So after I made it clear to him that I don't want him, he made it clear to me that it doesn't matter (I was in shock the moment he said that) as long as my dad agrees, then after that, he will see me alot and I could or should change my mind about him. I once thought that my dad would agree and question my refusal. I was wrong. Daddy turned out to be a total free open minded man who cares for nothing but his daughter (and that would be the description of every or most fathers).
I gave him my dad's number coz that was the only way to end his continuous requesting.
They met.
I prayed like it was the last time ever in my life! It's funny really, the things I ask for in my prayer. Here is what I said in my prayer:
My Lord, I am sick and tired of this whole thing. I know I don't want him, but I leave You the choice of my future husband. If he is good for me, let Daddy like him. If he's not the one for me, then let me know through the first word Daddy says on the phone after meeting him.
The first word Daddy said (actually screamed and shouted) was: Eh ebn el kalb elly enty gaybahooly da???????? {what kind of ***- a curse translated as son of a dog- have you got me????}

There. As simple as that, exactly the first word Daddy said on the phone was an answer to my prayer. After my dad came home and calmed down (it's obvious that M made him angry), he told me that if I want him, he'd be willing to meet him again. Me, not being my usual foolish self, made it clear that enough has been done. Let him leave in peace, and I do wish him a lovely wife, only not me. And I do have my reasons for rejecting him.

Arranged Marriages. My dream of a marriage was not an arranged one. I always tried to ignore my silent refusal of an arranged marriage with my other loud thought that it's all destiny, be it arranged or not. Most arranged marriages have- until now- succeeded. and most love stories have failed. Yet deep inside, my vision of my future husband is someone who loved me and hoped for me to be his wife, and when the circumstances became suitable, he came and proposed. Someone who kept it inside him until it was the right time for him to propose. I, on the other hand, would love or like him too and his proposal would be like a dream come true to me. LOOOOOOOOOL, honestly the last paragraph is hilarious, my vision is possible, but very unrealistic. My mother swears that I'm the most unrealistic person she every saw and links it to romance, that most romantic people are unrealistic. I then would quarrel back (each and every time), "Mama, I'm not romantic and definitely not unrealistic!!!!"...
My thoughts, however silent, controlled me when I least expected them to. My newly engaged friend, S, came to tell me that her fiance's relative is a very good guy and she'd like me to meet him if I don't mind. The first word I automatically said was, " No, I don't like it that way." That was it. I refused the whole thing because it was in an arranged way!!! What bothered me was how fast I was in my answer, that just coz it was different from my unrealistic vision, I involantarily said No.
And here lies the proof of a detailed scientific research mentioned above that the sub-concious mind is much stronger than the Concious victim mind thanks to the hard work and study of Jannah. Hehe!

The Eid Public assaults in Cairo. One of those girls could have been me. Only I was out of cairo at the time. They could have been any of us!!! My plain and simple question is WHY WHY WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY???????
Men aged from 10 to 40.

There is no excuse NO EXCUSE for what they've done. Although the government is now being blamed for not taking care of it's youth and leaving them rot in their own country, yet that is no excuse for not having morals!!! They broke my heart and every girl's heart in this country. Some described them as animals, I don't recall knowing that male animals every assaulted female animals, did you?
Once, not long ago, Egypt had real men. Once, men in the street used to protect us all if anyone bothered us. Once, men used to defend us from any harm. Once, we used to get called "Ya setty" (a respectful word for women in arabic), " Ya benty" (My daughter)... Once, any attack in public meant that the attacker will get beaten from every other man in the street.
That was only once. Now, the real men have become few. I now pray every day to protect every single woman in this country & every country. Oh Allah, protect us all. Every single muslim and christian girl. Hijab or no Hijab. Loose clothes or no Loose clothes. Egyptian or no Egyptian. All of us. Protect us all from what is happening and what will ever happen.

Here's to announce that you will not see me walking around freely in Cairo streets again. I am fortunate enough to have a car of my own so I will be very careful. I didn't take this incident lightly, and there is no reason why you should either!

More Clutter:

  • My parked car got crashed by a drunk or Hasheesh driver. He fled and we couldn't get him. Will cost 10000 L.E.
  • Must continue what I started in memorizing the quran. It is a hard job. My tutor says it gets easier with time. Any advice? Pray for me.
  • Exams exams exams.

Not much

  • I'm Jannah
  • From Cairo, Egypt
  • If I am as honest as I know how to be, I may discover here as I write, day after day, something in myself, something of my own nature... that I might otherwise not be aware of...
That's it

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