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Inner Clutter

Have been away for a while now. Lots of things have been happening here during the past few weeks. "Here" as in both at home and in Cairo.

Quite mixed up , which will I start expressing my thoughts about? Do not want to write sad thoughts coz reading my own words affects me more than anything else. Yet how can I help it? Do I imagine a different turn of events? Or do I pretend that I didn't see or live through some of those incidents? Reading the first word on my blog (yes, up there) " Honest, scrambled thoughts" pushes me to be honest with myself before any one else. Writing stuff about my life here is a step towards me-facing-and-dealing-with reality, isn't it? So here I am ready and willing to spill it all- the good and the bad news.

Our last visit to the Macrobiotic Doctor was quite a surprise. My little 11-yr-old sister, after getting better during the past 2 months, has showed signs of new problems in her body. She was getting treated for a disorder called Insulin Resistant Disorder, which is a disorder that most probably leads to Diabetes. The disorder is Auto-immune (body attacks its own cells), and of unknown cause.
After another visit, we discovered that she has Hyperthyroidism (in arabic known as "Ghodda darakeyya") & early signs of Vitiligo (in arabic known as "Boha2") both, also Auto-immune.
The Dr. has given her a very detailed and strict program this month and has told us that by Allah's will, they are curable but she needs time. Time, meaning a few years. She didn't mention the Auto-immune part but due to my studies, I happen to know that fact. I can't help it, that every time I look at my sister I think of her body attacking itself. Her antibodies (cells for defence) are labelling her own cells as enemies!!
However, with every crisis, comes hope. The family is very hopeful Thank God. Sad and patient could also be 2 words describing the weather at home. I now hug my little sister alot, smile at her alot, and let her do anything she wants. It could have been worse. Yes, it could have. But Allah's mercy is overflowing. I cannot remember a time that I prayed for something and it didn't happen, and that's what's making my little sister's issue bearable, that our prayers will get answered, like every single time.

The official proposal of M happened. YAAAAAY! no wait, what am I yaying for? So after I made it clear to him that I don't want him, he made it clear to me that it doesn't matter (I was in shock the moment he said that) as long as my dad agrees, then after that, he will see me alot and I could or should change my mind about him. I once thought that my dad would agree and question my refusal. I was wrong. Daddy turned out to be a total free open minded man who cares for nothing but his daughter (and that would be the description of every or most fathers).
I gave him my dad's number coz that was the only way to end his continuous requesting.
They met.
I prayed like it was the last time ever in my life! It's funny really, the things I ask for in my prayer. Here is what I said in my prayer:
My Lord, I am sick and tired of this whole thing. I know I don't want him, but I leave You the choice of my future husband. If he is good for me, let Daddy like him. If he's not the one for me, then let me know through the first word Daddy says on the phone after meeting him.
The first word Daddy said (actually screamed and shouted) was: Eh ebn el kalb elly enty gaybahooly da???????? {what kind of ***- a curse translated as son of a dog- have you got me????}

There. As simple as that, exactly the first word Daddy said on the phone was an answer to my prayer. After my dad came home and calmed down (it's obvious that M made him angry), he told me that if I want him, he'd be willing to meet him again. Me, not being my usual foolish self, made it clear that enough has been done. Let him leave in peace, and I do wish him a lovely wife, only not me. And I do have my reasons for rejecting him.

Arranged Marriages. My dream of a marriage was not an arranged one. I always tried to ignore my silent refusal of an arranged marriage with my other loud thought that it's all destiny, be it arranged or not. Most arranged marriages have- until now- succeeded. and most love stories have failed. Yet deep inside, my vision of my future husband is someone who loved me and hoped for me to be his wife, and when the circumstances became suitable, he came and proposed. Someone who kept it inside him until it was the right time for him to propose. I, on the other hand, would love or like him too and his proposal would be like a dream come true to me. LOOOOOOOOOL, honestly the last paragraph is hilarious, my vision is possible, but very unrealistic. My mother swears that I'm the most unrealistic person she every saw and links it to romance, that most romantic people are unrealistic. I then would quarrel back (each and every time), "Mama, I'm not romantic and definitely not unrealistic!!!!"...
My thoughts, however silent, controlled me when I least expected them to. My newly engaged friend, S, came to tell me that her fiance's relative is a very good guy and she'd like me to meet him if I don't mind. The first word I automatically said was, " No, I don't like it that way." That was it. I refused the whole thing because it was in an arranged way!!! What bothered me was how fast I was in my answer, that just coz it was different from my unrealistic vision, I involantarily said No.
And here lies the proof of a detailed scientific research mentioned above that the sub-concious mind is much stronger than the Concious victim mind thanks to the hard work and study of Jannah. Hehe!

The Eid Public assaults in Cairo. One of those girls could have been me. Only I was out of cairo at the time. They could have been any of us!!! My plain and simple question is WHY WHY WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY???????
Men aged from 10 to 40.

There is no excuse NO EXCUSE for what they've done. Although the government is now being blamed for not taking care of it's youth and leaving them rot in their own country, yet that is no excuse for not having morals!!! They broke my heart and every girl's heart in this country. Some described them as animals, I don't recall knowing that male animals every assaulted female animals, did you?
Once, not long ago, Egypt had real men. Once, men in the street used to protect us all if anyone bothered us. Once, men used to defend us from any harm. Once, we used to get called "Ya setty" (a respectful word for women in arabic), " Ya benty" (My daughter)... Once, any attack in public meant that the attacker will get beaten from every other man in the street.
That was only once. Now, the real men have become few. I now pray every day to protect every single woman in this country & every country. Oh Allah, protect us all. Every single muslim and christian girl. Hijab or no Hijab. Loose clothes or no Loose clothes. Egyptian or no Egyptian. All of us. Protect us all from what is happening and what will ever happen.

Here's to announce that you will not see me walking around freely in Cairo streets again. I am fortunate enough to have a car of my own so I will be very careful. I didn't take this incident lightly, and there is no reason why you should either!

More Clutter:

  • My parked car got crashed by a drunk or Hasheesh driver. He fled and we couldn't get him. Will cost 10000 L.E.
  • Must continue what I started in memorizing the quran. It is a hard job. My tutor says it gets easier with time. Any advice? Pray for me.
  • Exams exams exams.

First of all, I am verry sorry for your sister, we laf salama 3aleeha and I hope she will get well soon.

Secondly, well thank God you got what you wanted with the M guy... I have a funny comment but i will keep it to myself :P

Thirdly, I have always been an advocate of romance and against arranged marriages so apparently I would like to tell you, your mom is right, you are evidently romantic and unrealistic, in the best and nicest way though... You said it in a previous post, your heart is so filled with goodness and love, why would u deny that you are romantic? It is pretty noticeable to me, probably to everyone here...

Fourthly, the assaults in Egypt, these guys were horrible for the absolute lack of morals, the government for the crap they give the people until this ends up happening, the rest of the society for their negativity and well that's about it...

Fifthly, I loved your post...

Sixth, Rabena ye7meeki we yekremik...

Seventh.... This is a damn long comment and that was damn long post yet it was great reading it...


Welcome back Jannah..hope u enjoyed ur time away from Cairo..missed ur posts and glad u r back with ur news

1st of all..I'm so sorry for ur sister..I can imagine how hard it's for her and for ur family..isA she'll be much better..all u need is faith in Allah

And about M..u know what..After checking ur archive I really wanted to ask u about him.."it doesn't matter"..LOL..so sweet..it's sad that u couldn't love him as he did love u..bas tab3an when it comes to LOVE..our hearts act unreasonably..u know..a guy proposed to my sister and although she didn't really like him..she agreed to let him meet dad who loved the guy..but dad was as ur father "total free open minded man who cares for nothing but his daughter"..so it was her choice and she had to decide coz it's her futur..and she refused..although u can imagine how mom felt about that..she wanted this relation to work out..

I totally agree with ya about arranged marriages..I have my dreams too about my future husband..believe me..much hilarious than urs..but I agree with ur mom and Gun Barrel Kalashnikov..u r unrealistic as I am..I mean life doesn't go that way..not as in romantic movies..u know..when I compare my opinion about marriage to dad's opinion..I believe he thinks about it as maths..one good guy+one good girl=successful family..for me it's not like this..I still believe that there must be love..there must be chemistry..although it's hard to find..I still have hope..I still believe in miracles..sounds silly I know

I'm sorry about what happened to ur car..but a question popped in my mind..how can u drive in cairo streets with crazy drivers all around ya???..it actually freaks me out

Rabena Yesahelek isA in memorizing the quran and in ur exams..Good Luck sweetie

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Dear Kalashnikov,

Allah ysalemak.. Thank God her hyperthyroidism results came negative today! We've got 2 others to tackle now, may Allah be with us and with everyone isA.

HAHA @ your untold comment :P:P

About my romantic & unrealistic nature... ummm.. I'm not denying it. It's just that I get shy when my mother says it straight to my face lol! She goes like, " Oh my, what am I to do with a romantic unrealistic daughter." so I'd deny it merely to hide my blushing hehe!

Direct analysis about the monsters, Kalashnikov. Totally agree.

Thank you so much for your duaa, I loved reading your comment and did not mind (not one bit) its length! I already feel sorry for the readers of my loooong post, but I felt better after it so pleased I let it all out lol.

Dear Enny Rahela,

Pray for us habibti to be patient and have enough faith to pass by this phase inshAllah...

I have been afraid for a while after the rejection, that maybe it was unreasonable... I analyzed the issue with myself alot, most of the times standing against my decision... but I can't accept to love him less... I've been waiting for love for so long now, have kept myself for the "one", u know? So the only thing that eased my confusion was the prayer that got answered very clearly. Plus elhamdullah I discovered later that he is a very dishonest person. That he'd manipulate everything to reach his goal>>> ME!

I hope your sister would find true love soon dear :)

If you'd allow me to request, I'd love to know your lovely vision some time, when you feel like writing about it, I'll be there to read it isA!

Oh the driving.. why did you remind me? :P:P Driving here needs two words: Drive crazily, remain calm. Could write more about my driving experience here in a while, since I'll not be driving for 2 weeks now till my car comes back home safely.

Rabena ma3aky enty kaman ya enny rahela... and welcome back to your blog, I missed you there!

100000000000000000 Salam to your sister and she will be better soon In sha2 allah.

For the Marriage thing people with arranged marriages are more succesful than the ones with love stories marriages this is due to several reasons;
1- the arranged couples are more careful and kean about the relationships than the loving couples because they have no base to depend on.
2-The arranged couples are prepared to face the life with someone they will discover by days and they have a degree of acceptance for that in the contrary loving couples discover after mariage they didn't know every detail about their loving partners so they got chocked and a phase of rejection takes place.
3-Arranged couples are always amazed by their relations when it work and they will always do the necessary to work it out, on the other hand the loving couples are frustrated with the normal life problems and chalenges and begin to forget the partnership and act in a sulfish way.

And in the end all these factors lead to your opinion but in the reality the real loving couples with sucess stories never tells their story to any one fearing the bad eye or not caring to tell it to any one except their partners.

My advice is to steak to your idea of marriage and one day you will find your dream one who will match you more than any one or any thing and with him you will experience the true beauty of life.

I just would like to say that I have a very rare thyroid disease, and i found out about it I was just 12 years old.
So, the whole secret to live a normal life with it, is to take the medicine every morning, 1 hour before breakfast. That's it!
I'm doing that for so long...
Your sister is gonna be all right for sure.

Jannah, as far as I know (and I did start medicine part of my wasted life) insulin resistance isn't an auto immune disease (unless they figured out something different lately and then I apologize!). I had that disease before. It's simply the body's inability to respond to insulin and that's due to eating too much sugar, carbohydrates and hydrogenated fats. If she takes her medicine, then she will be fine. It's nothing really.

Laughed about M's part so much. Reminds me of a guy I knew before.

Read my last post, ok? Gotta go. Take care.

may allah keep u and ur family in best eman and health(ameen)

Oh dear .. hope ur sister is better by now. rabena yeshfeeha ya rab.
I do have concerns about arranged marriages too :)
About the eid assualt, I am still in a shock and disgust.
God bless u and ur whole family.

Keeping you and your little sister in my thoughts. Hope her health improves quickly.

i dont have something in particular to comment on !

yet i enjoyed reading this post :)

as usual :)

0-i hope ur sister will be recovered soon and fully isA..

1-a: i almost have gotten ur idea about the arranged marriage..

the point is, there is a deviation between what we think and want from one side, and what we really want in our sub-conscious..

example : i always complain of being lonely without friends, in the mean time i found myself evading people as possible as i can, even in job..what i do these days is to train myself to surrender to the status quo and stop complaining from lonliness.. as this is what i really want, even if my mind had another pt of view..

Applying the same logic to "arranged marriages" , many girls like u prefer arranged marriages while u found this is not your realy pt of view.. other realistic girls find themselves very romantic intrinistically..

how much do we really know about themselves? how keen are way to align our conscious with our sub-conscious? this is the question..

1-b: Given that the final say in marriage matters goes to you (=as females), i think this is the most difficult decision you ever make in ur lives..

this is a fact, but everyone has his own "7esabat" , you, parents, the proposing person, and even his family..

when everything is CRYSTAL-CLEAR , less time will be wasted, and better results will be obtained..

2-7asheesh-addicts are plenty in the egyptian driving business, u find them mostly in the microbus or cars which drive pple home and away from cairo to neighbouring governorates.. even in the "nice, entertaining and lovely" line between Mansoura (=my city) and Portsaid on both sides..

3-The assults took place in El Fitr days have many causes, not among them Dina (=the belly dancer), or the videoclips, or the sun or the earthquake.. the matter is utterly rejected and is utterly complex, and need the minimum of "mosar7a" to understand and prepare for, given that assults have become like the black cloud and neglicance in the ER(=Egyptian Railways): natural catastrophes whose reasons are unkonwn, and the only thing to do with them is just preparing to the battle!

4-thank you for reading.

Jannah..I'm sure u r very busy now..that's why u can't post these days..Rabena yofa2ek..just wanted to tell ya that I miss u begad ;)

waiting for ur posts

wish ya best of luck

long time noe see , hope everything is fine :)

I was impressed with your analysis about the arranged and non-arranged marriages. like you said, the real happy ones (arranged or not) do not go around babbling their story to everyone, so most probably being arranged or not is not the reason for happiness or grief in marriages.

Living away,
Thank you for your reassurance :)I'm glad you're living life to the fullest. I hope she does too.

wow more assurance! I studied that the resistance is from the immune system, and not all immune diseases aren't curable thank God. I have come to believe that it is nothing once you treat it correctly. everything will be fine and thanks for making it easier.

Gazak Allah khayran, Thank you for your kind duaa

she's getting better hamdulellah. thank you.

I wonder how you're feeling now? Thank u for your kindness.

I enjoy reading your posts too, sometimes with nothing to say lol.

قلم جاف,

"when everything is CRYSTAL-CLEAR , less time will be wasted, and better results will be obtained.."


about the Hasheeshians, it was quite a shock to me. I found out recently that a block in my street is a place for men to smoke hasheesh every day, and mostly every thursday. A colleague living across the street enlightened me with this info.

Yes, preparing for the BATTLE. If only it was ONE battle, preparing would have been easier. we are constantly facing different battles every day with more to come 2morrow but I love the way we smile and laugh our sorrows away lol. may Allah protect us. Amen.

no, thank YOU for reading :)

enny rahela,

thank you for asking about me. Yes, exams are exhausting me! a few months and we're out! Study well and have fun dear!

Thank you again:)

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Not much

  • I'm Jannah
  • From Cairo, Egypt
  • If I am as honest as I know how to be, I may discover here as I write, day after day, something in myself, something of my own nature... that I might otherwise not be aware of...
That's it

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